catheroominations

while watching the late show with david letterman, I actually got choked up when oprah entered the stage of the ed sullivan theatre.

maybe I should call dr. phil about this.

it’s official, ben affleck is a dad [shudder]. according to us weekly magazine, jennifer garner finally gave birth. it’s a girl. rumor has it, the product of bennifer part deux is named violet. judging from how often ben and jen visited starbucks, I’m guessing violet is the name of their favorite barrista.

remember, you read it here first…or second, or third, or maybe you don’t give a whole lotta hoo-haa.

the teams are:
dave coulier/nancy kerrigan
quarters, as my sister calls her, because her nostrils are big enough to hold quarters. nancy gets on the bus, the driver asks for the fee, and she covers the right nostril and blows a quarter out the left, then does the same with the other.
bruce jenner/tai babalonia
hey! these two are both 70s olympians. not fair!
todd bridges/jenni meno
for willis, this beats having to call gary coleman at 1-800-590-cash to pay his rent.
kristy swanson/lloyd eisler
kudos, kristy. you can you can now add ice skating to your resume which includes mannequin 2: on the move and hot shots!.
deborah gibson/kurt browning
wow. this one’s out of the blue. I mean, only in my dreams did I imagine this. I thought it was just a foolish beat of my heart.
jillian barberie/john zimmerman
who?

I would have included these pairs as well:
tonya harding/joey buttafuco
katerina witt/michael jackson
rudy galindo/farrah fawcett
brian boitano/courtney love

hello.
my name is cathy, and I’m a pop cult-whore.

and was inspired by nip/tuck. I was watching dr. christian troy talk to his new client, abby, about what she doesn’t like about herself. abby wanted to be beautiful, to be transformed into a woman who would stand a chance with christian. she said she felt ugly and horselike, and her large butt and thighs made her feel like a clydesdale who should be pulling a sleighful of bud. this made me think “how about some queen for the blog today?” and I uploaded my mp3 while christian wrote all over abby’s body, marking with her own lipstick, the spots that needed work.

he ran out of lipstick.

during abby’s liposuction, the cd liz popped into the bang & olufsen was none other than “fat bottomed girls.” dude!

later in the show, christian had sex with abby, but ony after making her cover her face with a a paper bag. this was just mean and meant to humiliate her because from the position christian was in, he couldn’t see her face anyway.

christian is an absolute a-hole but he gets away with it because he is so freakin’ hot.

last night I dreamed that peter tork of the monkees was my boyfriend. when I used to watch the monkees, he was my least favorite (he’s the second one from the left in the photo).

all 4 monkees (circa 1960s) were in my dream: mike nesmith was wearing his signature knit cap and I was admiring the workmanship. he explained that his fans were always knitting caps for him. mickey dolenz was running around chasing after a girl and singing to her, like he did in so many monkees episodes. and I told davy jones that he looked just like davy jones, then realized it was because he was, in fact, davy jones. he was shorter than I am and I asked him about being on the brady bunch, when marsha wanted him to play at her prom. he told me marsha was a beyotch.

several real-life events may have influenced the details of last night’s dream.

1. yesterday I told tracey I wanted her to teach me how to knit caps.
2. while watching ferris bueller’s day off yesterday on tv, I thought to myself “cameron reminds me of peter tork.” then last night I saw rent with lisa, who’s husband’s name is cameron.
3. friday night, my sister told me she met a guy shorter than she is.
4. saturday night, denise was drinking jones soda.
5. in real life, I am dating a monkey…a web monkey.
6. and oh yeah, I listened to my new monkees greatest hits cds this weekend.

I was cleaning up my hard drive, and found this picture of me with colin farrell from a couple of years ago. I was working as a dresser for funny girl and he showed up just to hang backstage. he posed for pictures with all of us and was such a good sport, even though he’s not really smiling.

the picture is low resolution, but if you look closely, you’ll notice how hung he is. it’s safe for work, but I’m just linking to it rather than posting it to build suspense. go here.

dear julia roberts,
I so get it now.
cath