catheroominations

tivo has an instant replay button! duh.

michael and his father george are discussing george’s involvement with iraq.

michael: they’ve got a picture of you with sadaam hussein!
(cut to photo of george shaking sadaam’s hand, dated 1998. in the photo, sadaam is wearing an apron that says “you take it the way I make it”.)

george: I thought that was the guy who played the soup nazi. I told him how much I like his work…a picture like that, michael could end your career.

michael: not in every case.
(cut to photo of donald rumsfeld, shaking sadaam’s hand, dated 1983.)

why is it that on days of our lives, sami sends out save the date cards, for a wedding that’s the next week? don’t you usually do that way before the date of the wedding to let people know to…oh, I don’t know…save the date? but then on the big day, her wedding ceremony lasts a week. even with the interruptions by salem police about a well-known terrorist being loose in salem (who happens to be sami, herself, unbeknownst to everyone in salem), it still shouldn’t take a week.

in another story, belle finds out she’s pregnant and only 6 weeks later, is about 5 months along, and going into early labor. if belle has the kid this early, it’ll magically come out full term, and probably be in kindergarten by christmas. the baby’s father is philip (who recently lost his leg in a land mine blast (thanks to sami, in disguise as the aforementioned terrorist) while serving his marine duties in iraq (before being rescued by his friends, who decided they’d bring him home after the government determined it was too dangerous to try) and learned all about incredible prosthetics and how to live a normal life from heather mills mccartney, who paid a visit to his hospital bed (and only 2 weeks ago got out of his wheelchair and tried his prosthetic leg, and today is walking just fine). whew. still with me?

in the meantime, belle’s mother, marlena has amnesia, yet as she helps belle with premature labor, she has flashbacks of giving birth to belle. could this be the breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for? will marlena pick john black, her husband? or roman brady, her ex-husband she slept with and got pregnant, and the stress from keeping her secret affair and pregnancy caused her to faint, and miscarry, the shock of which caused amnesia? or will marlena pick that creepy doctor north, played by the same actor who played roman brady a long time ago and marlena also has flashbacks of being with him, but he’s been hypnotizing her to pick him.

like counting the sands through the hourglass, these are the things that keep me up at night.

And finally, New Rule: America must recall the president. That’s what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger’s predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against…Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let’s have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can’t be fun for you anymore. There’s no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can’t start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard’s bare, the credit card’s maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it’s time to do what you’ve always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It’s time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying that there’s so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in…Please don’t. I know, I know, there’s a lot left to do. There’s a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You’ve performed so poorly I’m surprised you haven’t given yourself a medal. You’re a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we’ve lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans…Maybe you’re just not lucky!

I’m not saying you don’t love this country. I’m just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he’s saying is, “Take a hint.”

© 2005 Home Box Office, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

can’t you just see it?

American Idol auditions are TODAY

Thursday, August 18, 2005
Cow Palace
2600 Geneva Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94014
LINE UP: LINE BEGINS IN FRONT OF THE MAIN DOORS.
NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO LINE UP UNTIL 6:00AM ON AUGUST 17, 2005.
WE WILL PASS OUT WRISTBANDS ON THAT DAY.
ACTUAL AUDITIONS BEGIN ON AUGUST 18.
ALL BAGS SUBJECT TO SEARCH.
EVENT IS RAIN OR SHINE.
PARKING IS FREE BUT NOT AVAILABLE UNTIL AUGUST 17.

tips from catheroo:

1. remember to disclose any previous work on pornographic Web sites. if AI authorities discover that you have posed nude in the past, you could be booted off the show. there is a silver lining though. you could become a correspondent on Entertainment Tonight, where you’ll get to sing your famous song over and over and over. or you could star in American Musical Theatre’s production of Dreamgirls.

2. if you are a guy, and Paula Abdul shows interest in you, sleep with her. you could go far, even if your singing blows. girls, this technique may also work with Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. not sure which way Ryan Seacrest goes.

3. if you are particularly creepy looking, play up the fact that your father thinks you won’t make it far in the competition. if you’ve got a prior record of domestic abuse, all the better, just explain how much you love your illegitimate child. you will so get sympathy from the voting public.

4. if, during the course of an episode, you suck wax fruit on your song, pay off some interns. they will screw up the voting numbers that appear on the bottom of the screen so you’ll get another chance to sing the following night.

5. can’t sing? play that up. look what it did for William Hung.

good luck!