catheroominations

I hate springing ahead. And I think that the Monday following Spring Ahead should be a national holiday. I get so out of whack when I lose just one hour. Also, last night I slept fitfully on the couch cushion in the office to make sure Desmond didn’t chew through every electrical cord we have. He seems to think that my PowerBook cable is string and he wants to bite it. Of course it is much more interesting than the numerous mice, feather toys, balls, and kitty tunnel we got for him. His favorite game is Chase My Own Tail While I am in the Litter Box and Then Lie Down in My Litter Box for a Nap.

Anyway. I could have slept comfortably in my own bed because as far as I could tell, Desmond didn’t move from his sleeping spot on the chair all night. He was asleep by 11 and when I woke up at 6:30 7:30 am, he was staring at me, as if patiently waiting for me to stir. As soon as I said his name, he was climbing on me, with his motor going at full speed.

Yesterday, Desmond and Daphne had a nice conversation made up of growls and hisses. Desmond arched his back and puffed up and rumbled under his breath and Daphne answered with a couple of hisses. Then they both made like meatloaves and stared at each other for about 10 minutes until each of them yawned, bored with the showdown.

I am so sleepy right now I could go to bed and not wake up until tomorrow when I have to go to work. But do I really have to go to work? Tomorrow sure would make a good duvet day, but unfortunately I have too much work to do.

I could shop on Etsy for days. I just adore looking at all the pretty things. There are so many shiny, sparkly, cute, sweet, kickass items for sale at Etsy and I need almost none of them. But I do need a cute little apron, like the ones here. (Yes! I do! I need it!) So, I entered this contest over at Loralee’s Looney Tunes to win a free one. Because 1) I love free stuff; 2) I love winning; and 3) if I had this apron, I would cook more. Naked. (I just added that for more hits coming from “cook naked” on Google, by the way.) But seriously! This apron would help me channel my inner Rachael Ray (who I hear is a bitch but we were born on the exact same day) and make some fine vittles for my husband. Can’t you just see me baking homemade snickerdoodles, with flour on my cheeks and nose, puttering around my kitchen in this Saucy Dots apron? It is Teh Cuteness, no? If I don’t win, you want to buy it for me, don’t you?

*Yeah, I know the quote from Phil Hartman is sassy, but it just didn’t work as well here.

Today I received this email:

“Greetings, Catheroo! Well, hello there to you too, photo magazine to which I submitted an awesome photo!

Thanks so much for submitting to XXX Magazine. You are ever so welcome! I hope you loved what I submitted! The editors and the community have spent the last few weeks reviewing the photos and stories. I can only imagine. There were like 4,800 photos submitted. You are hard-working people! There was so much great work – it wasn’t easy. Yes, I’m sure it wasn’t easy to choose. But what I submitted was totally easy to choose. Right? Right?

You submitted:
“Cooking for Dummies” to Split-second Yes! Yes I did! And it so was split-second. In fact, it was split 1/160th of a second!

We’re sorry to inform you that your work was not chosen for publication in this issue. Excuse me. What? You’re sorry? Don’t be sorry! Just put my photo in! What’s the big deal? We know you put a lot of time and effort into it, and we appreciate it. Uhm also? That photo got over 200 yes votes and over 50 favorites. So several people liked it. Why didn’t you? Is there something wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a small child? Sometimes truly great photos don’t get selected because they’re not quite right for the theme, OK. Uhm. Pretty sure this was right for the theme. or don’t quite fit in the magazine’s limited pages. So put it on the cover then! You do have to have a cover don’t you?

Please don’t be discouraged. Too late. I feel like a heaping pile of heifer dung. There’s always another theme to submit to, and we hope to see your work in the running again! So you can take my work and stomp on it with your dirt-encrusted boots? Oh, by the way, those pants make you look totally fat.

In honor of National Grammar Day, I thought I’d share with you some of my biggest pet peeves regarding grammar. I realize these sound accusatory like I’m scolding you (yes you) for committing these heinous grammatical crimes, but these are directed toward no one in particular. I’m just venting. Here they are in no particular order (despite the numbers on the list):

1. Please, please, spell definitely correctly. It is not definAtely. Spell it right. With an i.
2. It’s is the conjunction of it is. Its (with no apostrophe) is the possessive of it. Also, other pronouns have possessives. It’s yours (not your’s), ours (not our’s), hers (not her’s) and his (not hi’s).
3. There is a book on the table. Not their is a book on the table or they’re is a book on the table. Their is possessive. They’re is the conjunction of they are. If a book belongs to more than one person it is said to be their book. There is their book that they’re very proud of. Got it?
4. Your is possessive. (Damn, these possessives give people all sorts of trouble.) You’re is the joining of you and are. You’re being incorrect in your grammar use when you use your instead of you’re.
5. Now this one is tricky. I don’t know why the rule is this way, but it’s by accident and on purpose. It is not on accident. (Funny, I never hear anyone say, “I did it by purpose.”) Example: I smashed into the ASS UV by accident. I didn’t do it on purpose. I understand the confusion here because why is on OK for purpose, but not OK for accident. I’ll tell you why. Because. That’s why.
6. This last one is not so much a grammar peeve, but a peeve in general. If you sign your emails with BRGDS, it does not at all convey the same sentiment as if you sign it Best regards. Because, you most definItely are not conveying your best regards if you can’t even take the extra keystrokes to type out the entire TWO WORDS. Do not shorten it to BRGDS. For all I know you could be signing it Bitchy Ridiculously Gassy Dip Shit.

This concludes my rant on grammar for the day. Until late this morning I didn’t know today was even a “holiday.” But had I known, I would have stood on the street corner holding a large piece of cardboard with grammar lessons such as the ones listed here. Maybe I could have made some extra dough.

*Today will also be forever remembered as the day that Brett Favre announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers. Which, by the way, I would not have cared about before I met my husband. But because I married into a Packer family, today I’m sad.

I am not patient. I am an emotional fidget and feel a general unease when I am expecting something. I don’t wait well. If I am told I’ll have an answer/thing/test result by a specific date, and that date passes, I get very…very…well…impatient. I become agitated even before the specific date comes. It’s the waiting. It drives me crazy.

The mail at our house usually arrives by noon. If I’m home on a weekend, and I hear the mailman I will wait until I hear him slam the mailbox doors, and immediately go see what has arrived for me. Even if I am not expecting something specific. There might be a random check in there from someone or something, you know? My husband doesn’t usually bring in the mail. I remember walking with him to the mailbox before we lived together and he had days’ worth in the box. But for me, it’s the First Thing I Do when I get home. I gotta see it! Now!

I regularly order my lunch online from this place, so that when I arrive, it is ready and waiting for me on the pick-up shelf, with my name on the bag. Why order ahead when you have to wait in line once you get there to pick it up? And God forbid having to talk to a person to make the order. I don’t have time for idle chit chat. More waiting for my food! Gah!

I am a busy person. OK. Sometimes not really terribly busy, but I still hate waiting.

Here are four things I am currently waiting for (erm…I mean four things for which I am currently waiting”):

1. My car. I want my baby back, and now would be a good time to return it to me. Cuz remember when you said I’d have it by the 26th? That was last week, Mister. And you had an extra day last month to finish the work, and I still don’t have it. Please hurry. Kthanksbye.
2. An email from JPG Magazine either congratulating me for my outstanding photo or rejecting my sucky-ass photo I submitted for the upcoming issue. In one case, I shall jump around the house and clap and laugh and dance in circles and think I am the Most Awesomest Person Ever in the Whole Wide World. Should the email begin with “We at JPG Magazine regret to inform you…” I will pout and stomp my feet, think my every photo I ever took was a steaming pile of crap, and vow never to take another photo again. Until…ooh, look! Kitties!
3. Confirmation that I am one of the 20,000 registered runners to Run Like a Girl. This even has become so popular, they had to set up registration as a lottery system this year and the chosen few thousand runners will be notified on April 1. It’s completely moronic that I am waiting for this right now because I cannot even register for the lottery drawing until tomorrow. But come ON! Can’t we move this process along? (tapping toes madly)
4. About 35 pounds to disappear from my body. This is taking forever. Possibly because I have not made any changes to my eating habits to facilitate such. (I have no trouble waiting when it comes to starting a diet. Isn’t that funny?) But really, is it that bad that I can’t order my daily sandwich without throwing in the fresh-from-the-oven, big-as-my-face chocolate chip cookie for dessert? I mean, in the grand scheme of things? I only eat ONE per day. It’s not like I scarf 20 of them or anything. Gawd. What do you want from me???

So, where do you put yourself on the patience/impatience spectrum? Are you sitting by me bouncing your knee and biting your nails in nerve-wracking angst? Or are you way over there at the other end (Hello over there!) with the Zen folks, doing meditative breathing and reciting passages from the Book of Buddha?

Because it is vital to the security of our nation. And I am basing my vote solely on how they stand on this particular issue.

The powers that be behind NaBloPoMo have decided to go monthly, rather than yearly. So instead of waiting for November, each month we’re supposed to post something each and every day.

I read quite a few blogs that have something new for me every day, so this should not be a huge undertaking. But it is. Because I committed to do it. People are depending on me and I cannot let them down. Pressure!

The NaBloPoMo bosses are making it easy on us. They gave us a theme. We can post a list every day in March if we want. Or, we can post a photo. I will probably do some combination of this when I can’t think of anything to blog about if left to my own devices. I’m happy to have the help.

So today, I give you a list. Two actually! I blatantly stole this list idea from whiskeymarie, who’s blog I discovered during the Great Blogshare of 2008.

Five things I did not do today:

1. Wash my hair. This might seem gross, but my stylist says it’s better not to. I can’t stand to do it during the work week though. Ew.
2. Go running. I haven’t run since February. Heh.
3. Drive my car. Because despite the projected delivery date of yesterday, I still don’t have it back. They are waiting for the ‘H’ emblem for the grille and a “small plug.” This had better be an important small plug because I WANT MY CAR BACK! I’m tired of driving this Chevy Cobalt. No offense, Cobalt owners, but I would rather drive my car. Because it’s mine.
4. Work. Damn I love weekends.
5. Pitch for the A’s in Spring Training.

Five things I did do today:

1. Wish my husband a happy 36th birthday. Tomorrow I’m taking him to see a Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward concert. Zooey is on his list of five. And I’m giving her to him for his birthday. Am I the best wife or what?
2. Made my husband breakfast and stuck a lit candle in it. OK, so it was toast with peanut butter, but when you don’t have breakfast until 10 am, you don’t want to eat too much and ruin your appetite for the lunch your wife is buying you. Also, I am not the chef in the family. My sister got those genes.
3. Counted my poker winnings from last night’s game. Each year we have a memorial poker party in honor of my ex-boyfriend (the one I moved to Kentucky for.) My ex’s best friend hosts it and gets the band back together. It’s a great way to catch up and remember John while we take each other’s money. Oh, my winnings were a whopping twelve dollars. Look out Jennifer Tilly!
4. Visited some animal shelters because we are looking to expand our family.
5. Dined on pizza (that’s what the birthday boy wanted for dinner!) and a damn fine bottle of 2004 Murietta’s Well Zinfandel. In fact, I’m drinking it now and it is working wonders for my sore throat.

Wow. If I’m going to post every day for a month, I need to be more exciting. Maybe I’ll run a half marathon. Damn. Already did that. Oh! I could crash my car. That’s exciting! Wha? Oh, yeah. Already did that too. I guess I’ll need to get arrested or visit a tattoo parlor or something.