catheroominations

September 26, 2005

a little something from bill maher

And finally, New Rule: America must recall the president. That’s what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger’s predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against…Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let’s have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can’t be fun for you anymore. There’s no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can’t start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard’s bare, the credit card’s maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it’s time to do what you’ve always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It’s time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying that there’s so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in…Please don’t. I know, I know, there’s a lot left to do. There’s a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You’ve performed so poorly I’m surprised you haven’t given yourself a medal. You’re a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we’ve lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans…Maybe you’re just not lucky!

I’m not saying you don’t love this country. I’m just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he’s saying is, “Take a hint.”

© 2005 Home Box Office, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

September 21, 2005

fun with yahoo! news photos

squish
i’m crushing your head!

gee dub
you get a car! you get a car! you get a car!

simma
simmah dahn nah

don't wanna
i don’t wanna *see* that!

idiot
(e) thought of this one–and the 2005 darwin award goes to…

September 12, 2005

new rules (idea stolen from bill maher)

new rule #1
cashiers must hand customers loose change before bills, rather than pile coins on top of dollars. this is particularly important at drive-thru windows. if a cashier passes you coinage on top of the paper bills, you have my permission to demand that he lean out of the window to bend down and pick up your money and hand it to you properly.new rule #2
moviegoers who answer their cell phone during a film will be taken to the concession stand and dipped in hot butter flavoring or nacho cheese, or they can press their ear to the rolling thingee that cooks the hot dogs (their choice).

new rule #3
co-workers will not chit-chat in a foreign language in the restroom, particularly while each of them is in a stall on either side of me.

new rule #4
people will not leave anonymous comments on my blog. you don’t have to sign up for a user profile, just tell me your name. don’t be a chicken, tell me who you are, or I will delete your ass…ok, not your ass, but your comment.

August 14, 2005

made me laugh

Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ.

“Dad damn you.”
“Holy Mom, mother of me.”
“Dad.”
“Myself almighty.”
“Good me.”
“Me, Mom, and Mom’s husband …”
“Me.”

credit: CARA JENNISON AND ANDREW SUTHERLAND

July 6, 2005

plummet at the summit

my friend jenni just told me that birthday boy and commander-in-chief, george bush fell down and went boom today. he’s in scotland for the g-8 summit. he was riding his bike around the hotel grounds and collided with a policeman. apparently george likes to forge on the presidential bicycle as he was traveling at pretty high speed at the time of the incident.
no one was seriously injured. the prez suffered scrapes and bruises and the police officer was taken to the hospital with a possible ankle injury.
the officer “declined to speculate about who was at fault,” according to the report in The australian.

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